On: Finding courage

When I was 10 years old I decided I would write a book. I didn’t know what I wanted it to be about, and I don’t think I ever actually attempted to. I sat on the Staten Island Ferry with my mom when I declared that a certain composition notebook would hold the masterpiece. Then I never wrote the rest. 

That’s the thing about being a “gifted” child. It just means that you are good at choosing the right choice out of four on a standardized test. If I hadn’t been so good at guessing the answer that was most logical, then I might have developed the ability to concentrate. I’ve lived my life doing just enough to impress people, but never enough to impress myself.

When I decided that I would write a book, I figured it would be a fiction of sorts, but I was stuck on what story I wanted to tell. Even as a child I knew I wasn’t particularly imaginative (more on growing up too early later). I took pride in the fact that I was not concerned with silly things like play and joy. However mature and wise that made me, it did not make for a great novelist. 

As time passed, the idea of writing a book has crossed my mind multiple times. This incessant need to say something, but not knowing what. I’ve struggled with not feeling like my story is worth telling. When I began speaking about writing this book out loud, it took so long not to cringe each time the words left my mouth.

Who do I think I am?  

The great thing about being average is that we all are. We should all write a book, and we all have something to say. I haven’t done anything extraordinary, and as we all know, things could have been worse. The point of this book is not to share an enlightened path to greatness or to teach anyone how to persevere. The point of this book is for me personally to come to terms with my life and to seek lessons where I previously only saw pain. It is to share a story, because every story is worth telling. 

When I was 10 I didn’t have the imagination to write a Sci-Fi novel nor the experience to speak to people. Now in my 30s I still do not have the imagination to write a Sci-Fi novel. But I have learned enough in the last two decades that I have to something to share. There are things that I know to be true and I can remember exactly where I learned each lesson. Some might make sense to you and some may not, but ultimately-

Who do I think I am? 

I am me, ongoing.